“I do not fear to be alone or to be spurned for another or to leave whatever I have to leave. And I am not afraid to make a mistake, even a great mistake, a lifelong mistake and perhaps as long as eternity too.”
Stephen says this to Cranly, after saying that he fears both that the Eucharist may actually be the body and the blood, just as he also fears that it might not be. This list is what he does not fear.
I want to be this fearless. I wish my fears did not revolve around being left, abandoned, being alone. Around being forgotten or disregarded. If I were to write a surrogate character for myself, which I have tried many times to create using the model of Stephan, she would not be able to make any statement such as this. Georgie would say
I do not fear the capacity of my own heart, to love and to care, and to break so often that it swells with scars. I am not afraid to feel from now until the end of time. However I do fear that these feelings might kill me.
How did he create Stephen so successfully? I want to have my own Stephen, because I feel like these things seem less trite coming from her mouth. Or at least, I am unafraid of expressing such things if the name of the speaker is not my own.
I want to write a play in which James Joyce is a character, a sort of mentoring figment of the main character’s imagination. She’s having a crisis of faith. Because all I write about is Catholicism, James Joyce, and Japanese Internment Camps. That last one doesn’t haven’t have a place in this play. Of course, all I can think about is writing other things, rather than the actual assignments I need to complete. Stephan Dedalus, why are you only a literary character? I feel like we would be rather good friends…